he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize