Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I believe in your delicious
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
