I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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