The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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