if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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