Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
