Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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