Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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