Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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