when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
