he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
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Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
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Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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