Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My cat gives me a boner
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
