you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
