the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
