I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
