Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I faked an abortion last night.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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