He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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