I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
