Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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