My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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