I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
