Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
