Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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