Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
