I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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