Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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