my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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