I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
