we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
