my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
