you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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