God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.