my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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