So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
