I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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