mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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