Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
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