Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
only you would photoshop your dick
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
