Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
