sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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