I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
