Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
