I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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