she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
