You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
