i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
