I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
