Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
