What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
