Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
