There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The feeling are messing with the penis
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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