You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
