non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
