Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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