Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
